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THE DARK KNIGHT: Abridged.
By: Film School Snob
FADE IN:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING
A couple of thieves wearing CLOWN MASKS rappel down a steel cable like DELTA FORCE COMMANDOS, to a bank across the way. They have the BIGGEST SET OF BALLS in Gotham history.
CLOWN FACE #1
So why do they call him the Joker?
CLOWN FACE #2
Don't you think we have more important things to talk about? We're robbing a mob bank in broad freaking daylight!
Clown Face #1 shoots Clown Face #2 in the back and races down to the vault.
Meanwhile...
INT. BANK OF GOTHAM
A bank manager named WILLIAM FICHTNER, who looks suspiciously similar to a bank manager in MICHAEL MANN'S HEAT, chases after another group of bank robbers with a SHOTGUN.
WILLIAM FICHTNER
This is a fucking mob bank! Do you have any idea who you're fucking with?
THE LEADER of the bank robbers, CLOWN FACE #4, shoots Fichtner and continues to steal his money.
WILLIAM FICHTNER
Well shit, this is exactly what happened to me in Heat!
CLOWN FACE #3 shoots CLOWN FACE #2 after he opens the vault and turns his gun on CLOWN FACE #4.
CLOWN FACE #3
I'm guessing the Joker told you to kill me, right?
CLOWN FACE #4
No, I'm supposed to kill the bus driver.
CLOWN FACE #3
What bus driver?
CLOWN FACE #4
Could you move back a little bit? That's it. A little more to the right, now stop. Perfect.
A SCHOOL BUS CRASHES through the WALL OF THE BANK, crushing Clown Face #3 at EXACTLY the right moment. This is NOT CORNY AT ALL. In fact, it looks REALLY COOL.
Clown Face #4 shoots the CLOWN BUS DRIVER and loads the money.
WILLIAM FICHTNER
Michael Mann is so going to kick your ass for stealing the plot of his best movie.
CLOWN FACE #4, who is actually HEATH LEDGER in disguise (surprise!), takes out a SMOKE GRENADE and shoves it into Fichtner's mouth for ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON.
CLOWN FACE #4
I believe that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stranger.
A line of basement dwelling fanboys, sitting in the front row of the theater, spray their pants on cue.
INT. ULTRA SECRET MOB BUILDING
Heath Ledger walks into a meeting of Gotham's three biggest mobsters: ERIC ROBERTS, brother of Julia, RITCHIE COSTER and MICHAEL JAI WHITE.
HEATH LEDGER
Like the suit? I bought it with your money.
MICHAEL JAI WHITE
Did you pay off our guards too? Jesus Christ, I mean how the hell did you just walk in here? We're like the biggest 3 mobsters in Gotham City and you just made our vast array of ruthless killers look like kindergarden Rent-A-Cops!
HEATH LEDGER
Why so serious?
MICHAEL JAI WHITE
What's to stop me from sending my boy to stomp in your face or even better, shooting you in the kneecaps from across the room, which would make a hell of a lot more sense, since we could then torture you to tell us where the money is?
HEATH LEDGER
How 'bout a magic trick?
The HEAVILY ARMED mobsters allow Heath to place a PENCIL on the table where they sit. Michael Jai White dispatches a LARGE HOOD, who manages to STOMP over to Heath without disturbing the pencil's perfect balance.
Heath drives the MAN'S HEAD into the pencil, killing him.
HEATH LEDGER
Ta-Da!
MICHAEL JAI WHITE
Wow. What a great magic trick. I will now calmly listen to what you have to say and without firing one of the many guns in my jacket or even the guns of the heavily armed men around me.
HEATH LEDGER
I've got one piece of advice for you. Kill the Batman.
MICHAEL JAI WHITE
That's what you risked your life to come here and tell us? A telephone, motherfucker, have you heard of it?
HEATH LEDGER
Why so serious?
Meanwhile...
EXT. HONG KONG
CHRISTIAN BALE, the forgotten hero of this movie, has captured the mob's accountant, CHIN HAN, on the top of a skyscraper. A large C-47 TRANSPORT PLANE swoops down out of the sky, snagging Christian Bale and Chin Han up and away.
Several fanboys in the front row instantly spray themselves a second time.
INT. GOTHAM COURT HOUSE
Using Chin Han to build their case, Gotham's District Attorneys, AARON ECKHART and MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, begin to arrest a bunch of criminals not yet killed by Heath Ledger in highly improbable bank robberies.
ERIC ROBERTS
I guess we're going to have to hire this crazy Heath Ledger character to kill Batman for us.
EXT. GOTHAM CITY
Heath Ledger proceeds to kill the POLICE COMMISSIONER and a FEMALE JUDGE and goes searching for Aaron Eckhart at Christian Bale's Penthouse party.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Why the fuck is Heath Ledger killing these people? I thought he was hired to kill Batman?
INT. BALE'S PENTHOUSE
Christian Bale hides Aaron Eckhart in a broom closet (don't ask) and confronts Heath Ledger dressed as Batman, but Ledger escapes by throwing Maggie Gyllenhaal OUT THE WINDOW and instead of deploying a SUPER COOL GADGET while in free fall, Christian Bale cushions their impact by landing on the roof of a FUCKING TAXI and gets up without so much as a scratch.
CHRISTIAN BALE
My bat armor is almost like magic!
EXT. GOTHAM CITY
In response to this new threat to the residents of Gotham City, the mayor decides to hold a speech in an OPEN SQUARE surrounded by TALL ABANDONED BUILDINGS.
For reasons no one can explain, the police FAIL TO INSPECT a room DIRECTLY ABOVE the mayor's stage.
Shockingly, Heath Ledger attempts to shoot the mayor but kills the newly appointed Commissioner, GARY OLDMAN, instead.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Holy shit! He was only commissioner for like two days!
INT. BALE'S PENTHOUSE
Christian Bale watches Heath Ledger on television.
HEATH LEDGER
I will continue to kill innocent civilians unless Batman is delivered at my feet.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Oh shit, I obviously need to turn myself in. Where's my coat?
INT. POLICE STATION
Christian Bale goes to a news conference to turn himself in, but Aaron Eckhart confesses to being Batman instead and is immediately arrested.
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS
The police transport Eckhart in a SLOW MOVING POLICE VAN to an undisclosed location along a HEAVILY POPULATED ROUTE in the middle of Gotham City.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Why the fuck don't they just transport him in a helicopter? Wouldn't that be safer?
Heath Ledger kills a bunch of HELICOPTER PILOTS, several cats, puppies, twenty-five POLICEMEN and enough INNOCENT CIVILIANS to fill a SOCCER STADIUM.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Oh shit, never mind.
Christian Bale chases Heath Ledger in the Batmobile and launches the vehicle just as Heath Ledger attempts to hit the police van with a rocket launcher.
The Batmobile is slightly damaged, which gives Christian Bale an excuse to TRANSFORM it into an ultra cool BAT MOTORCYCLE.
DARK KNIGHT FANBOYS
Fuck yeah!
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
When the hell did Michael Bay start directing this movie?
Christian Bale proceeds to FLIP Heath Ledger's truck, forcing him into the street where Gary Oldman, who is NOT really dead at all (surprise!), proceeds to arrest him. Christian Bale lamely crashes his Bat Motorcycle, thereby robbing us of the epic battle promised in The Dark Knight trailer.
INT. POLICE STATION
Christian Bale interrogates Heath Ledger with some well placed KARATE CHOPS to the head. Convinced by the Bad Cop/Bad Cop routine, Heath Ledger reveals that Eckhart and Gyllenhaal have been taken to opposite sides of the city and placed in two identical ABANDONED WAREHOUSES rigged with explosives, which are far enough apart that Bale does not have time to save both of them.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Holy shit, this little plot twist was stolen directly from Spiderman, which was stolen directly from Richard Donner's Superman. What's next? A Gene Hackman cameo?
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS
Christian Bale speeds off to save Gyllenhaal, while Gary Oldman goes after Eckhart. However, Heath Ledger has SWITCHED the locations (surprise!), sending Bale after Eckhart and Oldman after Gyllenhaal.
The buildings BLOW UP simultaneously, scarring half of Eckhart's face (surprise!) and KILLING the not-so-delicious Maggie Gyllenhaal, to the RELIEF of fanboys stroking to photos of Katie Holmes.
INT. POLICE STATION
With the help of a BOMB placed in a CELL PHONE in the belly of a HOMELESS GUY (don't ask), Heath Ledger escapes with Chin Han in tow.
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS
Heath Ledger pokes his head out of the window of a police car and makes an iconic pose, which generates a WAVE OF APPLAUSE throughout theaters around the world.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
When the hell did Heath Ledger become the hero of this movie?
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE
Heath Ledger burns Chin Han and a large PYRAMID OF MOB MONEY while Ritchie Coster watches.
RITCHIE COSTER
Why the fuck are you burning all our money?
HEATH LEDGER
I'm a man of simple tastes. I like gunpowder... and dynamite... and gasoline! Do you know what all of these things have in common? They're cheap!
RITCHIE COSTER
Have you checked the price of gas lately?
HEATH LEDGER
You see, money means nothing to me.
RITCHIE COSTER
Which is why you rob banks for a living, right? Makes perfect sense.
INT. GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL
Eckhart is driven to MADNESS over the loss of Gyllenhaal, to the DISGUST of fanboys stroking to photos of Katie Holmes. After threatening to BLOW UP A FUCKING HOSPITAL, Heath Ledger, the HERO OF THIS MOVIE, sneaks inside to talk to Eckhart, who has conveniently been abandoned by the police evacuating Gotham General.
HEATH LEDGER
Hi there, Eckhart, I killed your girlfriend and burned your face. Wouldn't you like to get back at the guys who helped me?
AARON ECKHART
Why wouldn't I just kill you?
HEATH LEDGER
You don't want to kill me. You should kill that mobster played by Julia Robert's brother and Gary Oldman for not stopping me from killing your ugly girlfriend. So whadaya say? Let's kill some people.
AARON ECKHART
That's the lamest excuse for motivation in the history of lame motivations!
HEATH LEDGER
Why so serious?
EXT. GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL
Heath Ledger walks outside into the BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT and DETONATES the hospital into a fiery mushroom cloud, EXACTLY as he warned the police only minutes ago.
THE COPS, who for some reason have set up perimeters MILES AWAY, do absolutely NOTHING to stop Heath Ledger, who gets into an ultra fast SCHOOL BUS and drives away, SLOWLY.
EXT. GOTHAM CITY
Two-Face Eckhart proceeds to kill Julia Robert's brother and a CORRUPT COP, while speaking menacingly with an ANNOYING VOICE that's usually reserved for BATMAN.
Heath Ledger, the ONE MAN CLOWN ARMY, threatens to BLOW UP the bridges and tunnels leading out of Gotham City, but instead of calling in the NATIONAL GUARD, the MARINES, the AIR FORCE or even SUPERMAN, the police arrange to transport Gotham City's residents on two ferries, which are loaded with HUNDREDS OF BARRELS of explosives.
For some reason, no one NOTICES THIS before leaving.
Halfway across across the lake to Michigan, the electrical systems on both Ferries are shorted out by the PINCH DEVICE from Ocean's Eleven. Ledger promises to spare whomever decides to trigger the bombs on the other boat.
A large SCARY BLACK GUY on one of the ferries, which is full of convicts, does the RIGHT THING by throwing the detonator off the boat. This is supposed to show the fortitude of the American spirit or something.
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
Isn't it great that you can find such great values in a ludicrously violent popcorn movie, starring a man who dresses up like a bat?
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Hey, why the hell is Deebo in this movie?
Meanwhile...
INT. BALE'S PENTHOUSE BASEMENT
Christian Bale shows Morgan Freeman a gigantic multiple screen computer, which rivals the Architect's digs in Matrix Reloaded for PURE AWESOMENESS.
CHRISTIAN BALE
These monitors are patched into every cell phone in Chicago, uh, Gotham City. We can use your sonar technology, which I've somehow embedded into every phone in the city, to track Heath Ledger.
MORGAN FREEMAN
This sonar device, which I invented, is a total breach of privacy.
CHRISTIAN BALE
But I've locked the computer thingy using your name as a password.
MORGAN FREEMAN
Why?
CHRISTIAN BALE
You're Morgan-Fucking-Freeman. You played the president of United States and God—twice! If anyone in the audience is going to trust someone to violate the rights of hypothetical citizens in a non-existent city, it's you. So will you please do me this one favor?
MORGAN FREEMAN
Absolutely not!
(pause)
Okay.
Freeman activates the device that would NEVER EXIST in the REALISTIC world set up by Christopher Nolan in Batman Begins and tracks Joker to an ABANDONED BUILDING overlooking Lake Michigain.
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING
Christian Bale finds Heath Ledger staring out a window.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Your plan has failed, Heath Ledger, give up!
HEATH LEDGER
Do I look like a guy who makes plans?
CHRISTIAN BALE
Well now, let's see. You robbed a dangerous mob bank in broad daylight, killed a judge, the police commisioner and attempted to shoot the mayor while surrounded by the entire Gotham City police force and snuck into a hospital, also in broad daylight, while wearing clown makeup. You also loaded thousands of barrels of explosive chemicals on 2 ferries, yet again, without the police noticing. So yeah, I would say you look like a guy who makes plans.
HEATH LEDGER
Why so serious?
Bale fights a BUNCH OF DOGS (I kid you not) and somehow Heath Ledger manages to throw himself out of THE WINDOW. Christian Bale saves him with an IMPOSSIBLE SHOT from his grappling gun, ending any possibility of the EPIC FIGHT we were promised in The Dark Knight trailers.
HEATH LEDGER
Why the fuck did you save me?
2 hr 25 min ago
CHRISTIAN BALE
Because I'm a good person, just like the convict on the ferry.
HEATH LEDGER
Then why the hell didn't you save Liam Neeson at the end of Batman Begins? Shit, man, I killed the love of your life like two days ago and you fucking saved me!
CHRISTIAN BALE
Shut up. You're almost as annoying as that Film School Snob. Besides, we obviously need you for the sequel.
HEATH LEDGER
There's a slight chance I might be unavailable.
Bale leaves Ledger and the SWAT TEAM dangling (don't ask) and somehow learns that Eckhart is holding Gary Oldman and his family hostage.
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING
Bale throws Eckhart off another FUCKING ABANDONED BUILDING, thereby saving Oldman's son, but then proceeds to FALL FIVE STORIES without a PARACHUTE.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Good lord, this armor really is magic!
GARY OLDMAN
Despite the fact that he tried to kill my family, we have to protect Eckhart's good name.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Yes, we wouldn't want people to know that he was walking around shooting dangerous mobsters and corrupt cops. Why don't you just blame it all on me instead?
GARY OLDMAN
What a great idea! Unsolved cases are bad for morale.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Yes, we wouldn't want the public to think that the Gotham Police are a bunch of morons. After all, you guys did protect the police commissioner from being assassinated and Gyllenhaal and Eckhart from being kidnapped. Oh wait a second, no you didn't. How the hell are you guys going to manage without me?
GARY OLDMAN
Dude, we'll answer that question in the next movie. Now get to stepping.
By: Film School Snob
FADE IN:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING
A couple of thieves wearing CLOWN MASKS rappel down a steel cable like DELTA FORCE COMMANDOS, to a bank across the way. They have the BIGGEST SET OF BALLS in Gotham history.
CLOWN FACE #1
So why do they call him the Joker?
CLOWN FACE #2
Don't you think we have more important things to talk about? We're robbing a mob bank in broad freaking daylight!
Clown Face #1 shoots Clown Face #2 in the back and races down to the vault.
Meanwhile...
INT. BANK OF GOTHAM
A bank manager named WILLIAM FICHTNER, who looks suspiciously similar to a bank manager in MICHAEL MANN'S HEAT, chases after another group of bank robbers with a SHOTGUN.
WILLIAM FICHTNER
This is a fucking mob bank! Do you have any idea who you're fucking with?
THE LEADER of the bank robbers, CLOWN FACE #4, shoots Fichtner and continues to steal his money.
WILLIAM FICHTNER
Well shit, this is exactly what happened to me in Heat!
CLOWN FACE #3 shoots CLOWN FACE #2 after he opens the vault and turns his gun on CLOWN FACE #4.
CLOWN FACE #3
I'm guessing the Joker told you to kill me, right?
CLOWN FACE #4
No, I'm supposed to kill the bus driver.
CLOWN FACE #3
What bus driver?
CLOWN FACE #4
Could you move back a little bit? That's it. A little more to the right, now stop. Perfect.
A SCHOOL BUS CRASHES through the WALL OF THE BANK, crushing Clown Face #3 at EXACTLY the right moment. This is NOT CORNY AT ALL. In fact, it looks REALLY COOL.
Clown Face #4 shoots the CLOWN BUS DRIVER and loads the money.
WILLIAM FICHTNER
Michael Mann is so going to kick your ass for stealing the plot of his best movie.
CLOWN FACE #4, who is actually HEATH LEDGER in disguise (surprise!), takes out a SMOKE GRENADE and shoves it into Fichtner's mouth for ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON.
CLOWN FACE #4
I believe that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stranger.
A line of basement dwelling fanboys, sitting in the front row of the theater, spray their pants on cue.
INT. ULTRA SECRET MOB BUILDING
Heath Ledger walks into a meeting of Gotham's three biggest mobsters: ERIC ROBERTS, brother of Julia, RITCHIE COSTER and MICHAEL JAI WHITE.
HEATH LEDGER
Like the suit? I bought it with your money.
MICHAEL JAI WHITE
Did you pay off our guards too? Jesus Christ, I mean how the hell did you just walk in here? We're like the biggest 3 mobsters in Gotham City and you just made our vast array of ruthless killers look like kindergarden Rent-A-Cops!
HEATH LEDGER
Why so serious?
MICHAEL JAI WHITE
What's to stop me from sending my boy to stomp in your face or even better, shooting you in the kneecaps from across the room, which would make a hell of a lot more sense, since we could then torture you to tell us where the money is?
HEATH LEDGER
How 'bout a magic trick?
The HEAVILY ARMED mobsters allow Heath to place a PENCIL on the table where they sit. Michael Jai White dispatches a LARGE HOOD, who manages to STOMP over to Heath without disturbing the pencil's perfect balance.
Heath drives the MAN'S HEAD into the pencil, killing him.
HEATH LEDGER
Ta-Da!
MICHAEL JAI WHITE
Wow. What a great magic trick. I will now calmly listen to what you have to say and without firing one of the many guns in my jacket or even the guns of the heavily armed men around me.
HEATH LEDGER
I've got one piece of advice for you. Kill the Batman.
MICHAEL JAI WHITE
That's what you risked your life to come here and tell us? A telephone, motherfucker, have you heard of it?
HEATH LEDGER
Why so serious?
Meanwhile...
EXT. HONG KONG
CHRISTIAN BALE, the forgotten hero of this movie, has captured the mob's accountant, CHIN HAN, on the top of a skyscraper. A large C-47 TRANSPORT PLANE swoops down out of the sky, snagging Christian Bale and Chin Han up and away.
Several fanboys in the front row instantly spray themselves a second time.
INT. GOTHAM COURT HOUSE
Using Chin Han to build their case, Gotham's District Attorneys, AARON ECKHART and MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, begin to arrest a bunch of criminals not yet killed by Heath Ledger in highly improbable bank robberies.
ERIC ROBERTS
I guess we're going to have to hire this crazy Heath Ledger character to kill Batman for us.
EXT. GOTHAM CITY
Heath Ledger proceeds to kill the POLICE COMMISSIONER and a FEMALE JUDGE and goes searching for Aaron Eckhart at Christian Bale's Penthouse party.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Why the fuck is Heath Ledger killing these people? I thought he was hired to kill Batman?
INT. BALE'S PENTHOUSE
Christian Bale hides Aaron Eckhart in a broom closet (don't ask) and confronts Heath Ledger dressed as Batman, but Ledger escapes by throwing Maggie Gyllenhaal OUT THE WINDOW and instead of deploying a SUPER COOL GADGET while in free fall, Christian Bale cushions their impact by landing on the roof of a FUCKING TAXI and gets up without so much as a scratch.
CHRISTIAN BALE
My bat armor is almost like magic!
EXT. GOTHAM CITY
In response to this new threat to the residents of Gotham City, the mayor decides to hold a speech in an OPEN SQUARE surrounded by TALL ABANDONED BUILDINGS.
For reasons no one can explain, the police FAIL TO INSPECT a room DIRECTLY ABOVE the mayor's stage.
Shockingly, Heath Ledger attempts to shoot the mayor but kills the newly appointed Commissioner, GARY OLDMAN, instead.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Holy shit! He was only commissioner for like two days!
INT. BALE'S PENTHOUSE
Christian Bale watches Heath Ledger on television.
HEATH LEDGER
I will continue to kill innocent civilians unless Batman is delivered at my feet.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Oh shit, I obviously need to turn myself in. Where's my coat?
INT. POLICE STATION
Christian Bale goes to a news conference to turn himself in, but Aaron Eckhart confesses to being Batman instead and is immediately arrested.
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS
The police transport Eckhart in a SLOW MOVING POLICE VAN to an undisclosed location along a HEAVILY POPULATED ROUTE in the middle of Gotham City.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Why the fuck don't they just transport him in a helicopter? Wouldn't that be safer?
Heath Ledger kills a bunch of HELICOPTER PILOTS, several cats, puppies, twenty-five POLICEMEN and enough INNOCENT CIVILIANS to fill a SOCCER STADIUM.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Oh shit, never mind.
Christian Bale chases Heath Ledger in the Batmobile and launches the vehicle just as Heath Ledger attempts to hit the police van with a rocket launcher.
The Batmobile is slightly damaged, which gives Christian Bale an excuse to TRANSFORM it into an ultra cool BAT MOTORCYCLE.
DARK KNIGHT FANBOYS
Fuck yeah!
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
When the hell did Michael Bay start directing this movie?
Christian Bale proceeds to FLIP Heath Ledger's truck, forcing him into the street where Gary Oldman, who is NOT really dead at all (surprise!), proceeds to arrest him. Christian Bale lamely crashes his Bat Motorcycle, thereby robbing us of the epic battle promised in The Dark Knight trailer.
INT. POLICE STATION
Christian Bale interrogates Heath Ledger with some well placed KARATE CHOPS to the head. Convinced by the Bad Cop/Bad Cop routine, Heath Ledger reveals that Eckhart and Gyllenhaal have been taken to opposite sides of the city and placed in two identical ABANDONED WAREHOUSES rigged with explosives, which are far enough apart that Bale does not have time to save both of them.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Holy shit, this little plot twist was stolen directly from Spiderman, which was stolen directly from Richard Donner's Superman. What's next? A Gene Hackman cameo?
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS
Christian Bale speeds off to save Gyllenhaal, while Gary Oldman goes after Eckhart. However, Heath Ledger has SWITCHED the locations (surprise!), sending Bale after Eckhart and Oldman after Gyllenhaal.
The buildings BLOW UP simultaneously, scarring half of Eckhart's face (surprise!) and KILLING the not-so-delicious Maggie Gyllenhaal, to the RELIEF of fanboys stroking to photos of Katie Holmes.
INT. POLICE STATION
With the help of a BOMB placed in a CELL PHONE in the belly of a HOMELESS GUY (don't ask), Heath Ledger escapes with Chin Han in tow.
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS
Heath Ledger pokes his head out of the window of a police car and makes an iconic pose, which generates a WAVE OF APPLAUSE throughout theaters around the world.
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
When the hell did Heath Ledger become the hero of this movie?
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE
Heath Ledger burns Chin Han and a large PYRAMID OF MOB MONEY while Ritchie Coster watches.
RITCHIE COSTER
Why the fuck are you burning all our money?
HEATH LEDGER
I'm a man of simple tastes. I like gunpowder... and dynamite... and gasoline! Do you know what all of these things have in common? They're cheap!
RITCHIE COSTER
Have you checked the price of gas lately?
HEATH LEDGER
You see, money means nothing to me.
RITCHIE COSTER
Which is why you rob banks for a living, right? Makes perfect sense.
INT. GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL
Eckhart is driven to MADNESS over the loss of Gyllenhaal, to the DISGUST of fanboys stroking to photos of Katie Holmes. After threatening to BLOW UP A FUCKING HOSPITAL, Heath Ledger, the HERO OF THIS MOVIE, sneaks inside to talk to Eckhart, who has conveniently been abandoned by the police evacuating Gotham General.
HEATH LEDGER
Hi there, Eckhart, I killed your girlfriend and burned your face. Wouldn't you like to get back at the guys who helped me?
AARON ECKHART
Why wouldn't I just kill you?
HEATH LEDGER
You don't want to kill me. You should kill that mobster played by Julia Robert's brother and Gary Oldman for not stopping me from killing your ugly girlfriend. So whadaya say? Let's kill some people.
AARON ECKHART
That's the lamest excuse for motivation in the history of lame motivations!
HEATH LEDGER
Why so serious?
EXT. GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL
Heath Ledger walks outside into the BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT and DETONATES the hospital into a fiery mushroom cloud, EXACTLY as he warned the police only minutes ago.
THE COPS, who for some reason have set up perimeters MILES AWAY, do absolutely NOTHING to stop Heath Ledger, who gets into an ultra fast SCHOOL BUS and drives away, SLOWLY.
EXT. GOTHAM CITY
Two-Face Eckhart proceeds to kill Julia Robert's brother and a CORRUPT COP, while speaking menacingly with an ANNOYING VOICE that's usually reserved for BATMAN.
Heath Ledger, the ONE MAN CLOWN ARMY, threatens to BLOW UP the bridges and tunnels leading out of Gotham City, but instead of calling in the NATIONAL GUARD, the MARINES, the AIR FORCE or even SUPERMAN, the police arrange to transport Gotham City's residents on two ferries, which are loaded with HUNDREDS OF BARRELS of explosives.
For some reason, no one NOTICES THIS before leaving.
Halfway across across the lake to Michigan, the electrical systems on both Ferries are shorted out by the PINCH DEVICE from Ocean's Eleven. Ledger promises to spare whomever decides to trigger the bombs on the other boat.
A large SCARY BLACK GUY on one of the ferries, which is full of convicts, does the RIGHT THING by throwing the detonator off the boat. This is supposed to show the fortitude of the American spirit or something.
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
Isn't it great that you can find such great values in a ludicrously violent popcorn movie, starring a man who dresses up like a bat?
FILM SCHOOL SNOB
Hey, why the hell is Deebo in this movie?
Meanwhile...
INT. BALE'S PENTHOUSE BASEMENT
Christian Bale shows Morgan Freeman a gigantic multiple screen computer, which rivals the Architect's digs in Matrix Reloaded for PURE AWESOMENESS.
CHRISTIAN BALE
These monitors are patched into every cell phone in Chicago, uh, Gotham City. We can use your sonar technology, which I've somehow embedded into every phone in the city, to track Heath Ledger.
MORGAN FREEMAN
This sonar device, which I invented, is a total breach of privacy.
CHRISTIAN BALE
But I've locked the computer thingy using your name as a password.
MORGAN FREEMAN
Why?
CHRISTIAN BALE
You're Morgan-Fucking-Freeman. You played the president of United States and God—twice! If anyone in the audience is going to trust someone to violate the rights of hypothetical citizens in a non-existent city, it's you. So will you please do me this one favor?
MORGAN FREEMAN
Absolutely not!
(pause)
Okay.
Freeman activates the device that would NEVER EXIST in the REALISTIC world set up by Christopher Nolan in Batman Begins and tracks Joker to an ABANDONED BUILDING overlooking Lake Michigain.
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING
Christian Bale finds Heath Ledger staring out a window.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Your plan has failed, Heath Ledger, give up!
HEATH LEDGER
Do I look like a guy who makes plans?
CHRISTIAN BALE
Well now, let's see. You robbed a dangerous mob bank in broad daylight, killed a judge, the police commisioner and attempted to shoot the mayor while surrounded by the entire Gotham City police force and snuck into a hospital, also in broad daylight, while wearing clown makeup. You also loaded thousands of barrels of explosive chemicals on 2 ferries, yet again, without the police noticing. So yeah, I would say you look like a guy who makes plans.
HEATH LEDGER
Why so serious?
Bale fights a BUNCH OF DOGS (I kid you not) and somehow Heath Ledger manages to throw himself out of THE WINDOW. Christian Bale saves him with an IMPOSSIBLE SHOT from his grappling gun, ending any possibility of the EPIC FIGHT we were promised in The Dark Knight trailers.
HEATH LEDGER
Why the fuck did you save me?
2 hr 25 min ago
CHRISTIAN BALE
Because I'm a good person, just like the convict on the ferry.
HEATH LEDGER
Then why the hell didn't you save Liam Neeson at the end of Batman Begins? Shit, man, I killed the love of your life like two days ago and you fucking saved me!
CHRISTIAN BALE
Shut up. You're almost as annoying as that Film School Snob. Besides, we obviously need you for the sequel.
HEATH LEDGER
There's a slight chance I might be unavailable.
Bale leaves Ledger and the SWAT TEAM dangling (don't ask) and somehow learns that Eckhart is holding Gary Oldman and his family hostage.
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING
Bale throws Eckhart off another FUCKING ABANDONED BUILDING, thereby saving Oldman's son, but then proceeds to FALL FIVE STORIES without a PARACHUTE.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Good lord, this armor really is magic!
GARY OLDMAN
Despite the fact that he tried to kill my family, we have to protect Eckhart's good name.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Yes, we wouldn't want people to know that he was walking around shooting dangerous mobsters and corrupt cops. Why don't you just blame it all on me instead?
GARY OLDMAN
What a great idea! Unsolved cases are bad for morale.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Yes, we wouldn't want the public to think that the Gotham Police are a bunch of morons. After all, you guys did protect the police commissioner from being assassinated and Gyllenhaal and Eckhart from being kidnapped. Oh wait a second, no you didn't. How the hell are you guys going to manage without me?
GARY OLDMAN
Dude, we'll answer that question in the next movie. Now get to stepping.
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